Shit my mom says

Lots of people tell me I'm funny. And I thank you for that. If you know me at all, you know how much I enjoy making others laugh. But if you think I'm funny, you should spend time with my mother. Now that is one funny cookie. I most certainly get my humor from her. And so, this entry is dedicated to the random shit my mom says!

As most of you know, I went to my reunion this past weekend and my mom was not shy about telling me what she thought... in her funny way of course. I told her that I was excited to see people and I kind of compared it to the movie Carrie. You know when she gets asked to the prom and she is suddenly popular? Well, my mom turned it back on me and reminded of how that film ends..... she gets pig blood dumped on her head and everyone laughs. My mother looked at me and said (just like the mom from Carrie) "They're all gonna laugh at you!". A little something like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nV_0oQDiRA

So after that little smart ass comment, I get ready to leave and walk out the door. Before I do, she stops me and tells me that after her 5 year reunion she swore she would never go back because no one had changed and they were all the same stuck up bitches and douche bags they were in high school. So I just stare at her and say, "Ok, well I'm leaving now". And her response was, "You're gonna have a terrible time". We couldn't help but burst out laughing! Most people encourage their children and tell them to have fun where ever they may go. Nope. Not my mom. But I love her. P.S. I did NOT have a terrible, time.... quite the opposite of that actually. 


My mother also likes to talk about OUR baby, Elvis. When we first adopted him, he liked to lick his ass quite often. We assume it was a comfort thing because he rarely does that any more. Maybe he just realized that his ass tasted like.....well... ass. So she was talking to my aunt about it and was trying to describe how LOUD he gets. She summed it up like this, "I can sleep through thunderstorms, but I can't sleep through ass lickin's". Really mom? You are ridiculous. She also threw out this comment, "His ass is like a timex watch. It takes a lickin, and keeps on tickin'". My mom is too cool for school.


So my ABSOLUTE favorite quote comes from when she was at the dentist and was talking to her hygienist about something and she decided to tell me about the conversation. She started by saying, "So I was talking to Krista. My hynecologist....". I stopped her and asked, "What?". To which she angrily replied (as if I was SUPPOSED to know what the hell she was talking about) "Krista! My hynecologist! You know.... the lady who cleans my teeth!". I still give her shit for that one. 


Let's end with how my mother answers a joke:
Me: "What has rings, but no fingers?"
Mom: "Uranus? ... At least I hope there are no fingers in uranus."
Me: "Ummmm... no. A telephone....".


Hope you can pick up on my mom's humor. Sometimes it's all in HOW she says it and I only think it's funny here because I can picture her saying it..... anyway.... it's a glimpse inside my life so you nosy bitches should be happy for a while! ;) If you have any suggestions for blog topics, just let me know!

 

Call me maybe?

I was FINALLY able to come home to St. Paul this weekend for my 5 year high school reunion, and what a weekend it has been! I just wish that drive wasn't such a bitch. It's about a 4 hour drive (3 and a half if you speed). But for some reason, this drive didn't seem so terrible. Maybe it was because I rocked out to some great tunes like "Girls just want to have fun" and "Bohemian Rhapsody". Oh, not to mention the small little fact that before I left Fargo, I decided to put my hair in foam rollers so that I'd look hot as hell at reunion that night. Well let me tell you, I may not have thought that one all the way through. I realize now that other people can actually see IN TO my car, just as I can see out. Imagine that. So there I was, driving to the cities, rocking out to music, windows down, with my hair in rollers. I happened to look over at one point and saw an older woman driving next to me. Blond. With a mullet. Yeah, straight up mullet. Picture Dog the Bounty Hunter and that's what kind of hair AND hair style she had. This cool cat had the balls to give me and my rollers a dirty look! Ummmm.... HELLO! You are the one with the mullet!! What a crazy person. And then I had to stop for gas at some small town in Minnesota in the middle of nowhere. Of course it just happened to be the busiest time at that only gas station. So there I was, pumping gas, looking like I had escaped from the beauty shop from hell. At least I had my Goonies t-shirt on to make me look cool.
As I got closer to the cities (about 20 mins from home) I ended up in bumper to bumper traffic. Looking fabulous in those rollers. Oh well, though. I traded what little self respect I had left, for some curly hair.

So the reunion!! What a fabulous time!! I talked to so many people and got to see certain people that I hadn't seen since forever ago! It was lovely to catch up and to just chat with random people that I had never really gotten a chance to talk to in high school. I got to talking with an old friend and we both figured out why coming to the reunion was so important. For me, it was a chance to finally be the person I had always wanted to be... the person that people never got a chance to see back then. I was more confident this time, less shy (although that's still something I struggle with), but most importantly- more open to experience something.... anything. I guess you could say I was sheltered in high school, afraid to leave that comfort zone of friends and familiarity. It wasn't until I was forced to face the end of high school that I realized I had missed out on getting to know more people,and for them to see the real me. And by then it was too late. I can honestly say that after last night, all those regrets suddenly melted away. I laughed and joked with new people finally stepped forth from that bubble I was once trapped in. I wish it wasn't another 5 years until the next reunion. I didn't get a chance to talk to everyone I wanted, but I suppose that's what facebook is for right? It's either that or stare from across the room trying to build up that courage to go talk to that one person. I wish all my  courage didn't pour out on the internet. Why can't some of that translate into my daily life. I guess I do have a regret about last night. I wish I would have had the courage to go up and talk to someone instead of being all shy and what not. The thing is, I had every intention of chatting up this person if they were there, but once I saw that he was, my brain pulled one of these:

But it's ok. Because there's always facebook. Right? Call me maybe? ... or text me. I'm super awkward on the phone ;)

All in all it was a great time and I'm so thrilled I was able to go! PLUS some very kind things were said about this very blog, which inflated my ego slightly and made me feel like a celebrity! It's only a matter of time before the paparazzi start following me! Just kidding... not really.

So thanks for reading! You have inspired me to keep doing what I'm doing and you make it all worth it. THANKS!! I'll think of some more embarrassing tales to keep you entertained!

Suddenly, I'm craving oatmeal

I was finally able to skype with my aunt, who had gone over to my mom's house this past weekend. And what do I do? I make fun of her. She was wearing her glasses because she couldn't get her contacts in due to some eye issues. Instead of being caring and nice, I gave her shit about wearing glasses. BUT before you judge me, you have to know. Her glasses were HUGE!! Like... 1982 called and wants those glasses back! So then I told her that she was wearing the same glasses in her senior picture from high school. My mom just happened to have it near by and pulled it out. Yeah.... same glasses. Same size. Her defense was that the frames back then were plastic. Sorry, it still counts. Same glasses. I am such a horrible person. 

If you are still reading, I just have to tell you.... this entry is full of randomness. Read on if you dare.

So this one time, at band camp... Ok, so NOT at band camp, but a while ago, I had a very serious disease. This disease is known as...... chickenpox. Please talk amongst yourselves while I sob. Anyway, I had the pox. And you know how they say that it is soothing to the pox to soak in oats? Well, I was miserable (and I'm pretty sure my mom was willing to try anything to shut her bitching kid up) so my mom decided to draw me a bath (Why is it called "drawing" a bath??).

 Yeah, I am a MASTER at paint.

Any who....  my mom filled the tub and added some oatmeal. Yep. We had a bathtub full of oatmeal. You know how some people make moonshine/alcohol in their bathtub? It was kind of like that except instead of something good, our bathtub was filled with oatmeal.... probably the brown sugar kind cuz that's the only kind I'll eat. She probably used the whole box. So that's what... 8 packets? That ratio sounds about right. 8 packets= bathtub. What a waste, because I took 1 look at it, dipped my big toe in, shuddered, and told her that there was no way I'm getting in that. We ended up eating oatmeal out of the bathtub for a week.

All this talk about food has me hungry.... for some jello. But take it from me- an accomplished chef/baker that making jello is a dangerous activity! You might be thinking, "Jello is the easiest thing to make" or "My 2 year old isn't allowed to touch the stove, but I make an exception when he wants to make jello". I advise you AGAINST this! Let them play with matches instead! I was making some jello for Easter one year. I was stirring it when I heard the microwave go off. I went and leaned on the glass top of our stove and burned the entire length of the side of my hand. Damn jello. Looks so innocent and delicious. FALSE! It is a MONSTER. A sick, masochistic, demon. Watch out jello, we are on to you. 

A very useful blog for you tonight! Let's recap what we have learned:

• 70's- 80's glasses are a fashion DON'T
• 8 packets of oatmeal= 1 bathtub
• I kick ass in Paint
• Jello is the spawn of Satan 

Hope you enjoyed the post! Thanks to Jenny for the inspiration! If anyone else has something interesting to contribute, let me know! Thanks for reading.