Does this pole still work!?

I just finished dinner, am watching Ghostbusters, and thought I should write something!
So here I am. Only day two and I don't know what to write about. I guess this is part of the whole honesty thing. I don't know where to begin. There is so much I want to write about but don't know how to begin, or if people even want to read about it. I guess I'll just put it out there for people that want to know more about who I am and what makes me tick!

It's hard for me to share things about myself because I hate knowing people are judging me. Let's be real with each other- we all do it. At some point or another we have all judged someone else prematurely. We make our assumptions about people by the way they dress, their hairstyle, or by weight. Because I'm not the thinnest stick in the pile I have had my fair share of being judged. Now, this isn't some pitty party or poor me, poor me kind of post. I'm just pointing out the obvious in daily life. And lord knows that I am not guilt free in the judging department.

It's hard to see past initial assumptions sometimes, but when you do, things can surprise you! People look at me and decide that they don't need to take the time to get to know me. They figure that by the way I dress or the way I do my hair or by the way I look that I would be a waste of time. The point of my ramblings is: LOOK DEEPER! And not only is that for you, but for ME as well. I think we all need a little reminder sometimes! So I guess that's what I want to do... the point of all this... I want people to look past what is on the outside and get to know the REAL me that not very many people know. I'm sure you are asking yourself.... where is the good stuff?? When is she gonna start TELLING us what people don't know? Well the wait is over. But you don't get it all in one shot. Nope. Just a little bit for now.... until I find out if this is really what I want.... or if others are actually reading this.
If you know me at all... even just a tiny bit... you know that I like to laugh and make others laugh. But did you know that behind my smile lies a heap of pain? I've had to confront my fair share of pain and grief. What gets me through is knowing that someone out there (maybe you) has it worse than I do, have experienced something even worse than loss. The pain and grief that I am talking about is the loss of family and friends.

I used to have a big family. Every Sunday we would go to my Grandpa's for dinner. He would make a big spread and the whole family would gather and it was a nice excuse to get together. But around the age of 9 or 10, things began to change. My Grandpa was diagnosed with a late stage esophageal cancer. There was little the doctors could do and soon his health began to fail. I watched one of the most important and special people in my life go down hill and change. He was no longer the spunky, active guy that he was. When things were deteriorating fast he was able to come home because he wanted to spend the last few days at his home. I still remember the night before he died. We were at his house and getting ready to leave. I had said my goodbyes and I love you's. I went to put on my jacket and shoes and as I was walking out the door something came over me and I began to cry. Somehow, I knew that this would be my last time seeing him. The next day, after I returned home from school, I got the news that he had died. In some ways I am lucky. I was able to take that precious time with him and tell him goodbye. For that I am grateful. At the time it was horrible to see him wasting away but after experiencing a loss the complete opposite of that, I was able to appreciate that time.

The second loss that I had was the loss of my dad. To this day it is one of the hardest things for me to talk about. Even now as I type tears well up in my eyes. It has been 10 years since he died and there are times when it still feels like yesterday.... others it feels like it has been an eternity. I can still remember all the details of that day. He died on a friday night and I didn't find out until that Saturday. That friday he had picked up his motorcycle from the shop (yep- that's where I get my love of Harley's!!) and was riding it home. When he got home and was putting away the bike, he had a heart attack. The next morning was saturday and I was excited to get up. It was my weekend to spend with dad and we were going swimming! I got out of bed and noticed that my mom was on the phone in her bedroom. I went in and she hung up the phone. I was all smiles but then I saw the look on her face. I sat on her bed with her, she looked at me and said "There's something I need to tell you". At the time, another family member was ill so I thought it would be about them but the news came that it was about my dad. I'm sure they were the hardest words for my mother to say to me but eventually she was able to say them. I remember bursting into tears and not believing it. Some days I STILL don't believe it. Saying goodbye to my dad was THE hardest thing I have ever done. Like I said earlier, it's still hard for me to talk about- so feel lucky that I am sharing this with you. Now, his death was sudden. I didn't get that chance to say goodbye one last time. BUT I am lucky in a way because the last thing I ever said to him was I love you. So I have had to say goodbye slowly and also missing the chance for one last goodbye. If I had to pick, the slow way is the path I would choose. Yes, it is painful to see your family member like that but you are given the chance to say whatever you need to say.

So there you have it. Two very difficult things for me to share. And here is just a few tid-bits more... When I say I have lost a lot, I'm not kidding. If those two stories don't have you convinced then here you go. I have had to say goodbye to 7 close family members.... all with their own unique story. Stories that don't need to be shared... at this time at least...

Well, here we are. Now you know 2 stories about me that not alot of people know. Stories that have shaped alot of who I am. All I ask is that since I have been so honest with you, please repay the favor and be honest with me. Please share thoughts, feelings, or comments.
As always, thanks for reading!