These Memories Are Playing Like A Film Without Sound

"So we talked all night about the rest of our lives. Where we're gonna be when we turn 25. I keep thinking times will never change. I keep on thinking things will always be the same. But when we leave this year we won't be coming back. No more hanging out cuz we're on a different track. And if ya got something that you need to say, you better say it right now cuz you don't have another day" ~Graduation by Vitamin C

Yes! Graduation is right around the corner. Literally, right there- Sunday May 22nd. That's in 3 days! The approaching release has had me thinking and, dare I say it- REFLECTING on my past 4 years in college. Damn you, St. Kate's nursing program for making me reflect! I always knew this day would come, but I hadn't anticipated having these kinds of feelings. I thought I would be in a state of pure joy! Joy in completing the nursing program, my preceptorship, and leaving the school years behind me. In my reflections, I have been feeling very different emotions.  As the end crept toward me, I didn't really have time to think about being done. I had numerous projects, papers, and preceptor hours to get done and I had to focus and ensure these things got completed so that I COULD graduate. Now that these projects and papers are done, I have had time to think about things and I realized something very frightening.... I'm actually SAD this chapter of my life is closing. Who would have thought that I would be sad at a time like this! Maybe it's not sadness. Perhaps it's nostalgia mixed with amazement at how fast these 4 years have flown by. Call it what you want, but I can't help but shed a few tears as I sit here remembering my life as a 'Katie'. It makes me sad to think that just as I have made these wonderful friends, both in the Nursing program and not, I am forced to say goodbye as we part to put our very expensive educations to use! I hope we stay in touch cuz you ladies make me laugh so hard (you know who you are- and if you don't then just pretend that you are cuz, let's face it, I need all the friends I can get!). I'm also feeling a bit melancholy because I'm going to miss (most) of the things about college life. Things like wearing sweatpants everyday, staying up late, being able to text a friend saying "Come over" and all they have to do is walk down the hall to get there, and a very special roommate(s). Now I will have to wear actual work clothes, go to bed at a decent hour because I have work, friends will be spread about the state or even country, and I won't be roommates with Lisa anymore. Don't worry, Dee. I will always miss you too, but I'll still be able to visit you regularly.

These past 4 years have flown by and many memories have been had. Thankfully, I can look back and am regret free! Everything I have done has been an honest reflection of who I am and where I want to go. If you are still in my life at this point- congrats! I consider you a true friend. You are so lucky to have such an awesome friend like me! ;-) Whether it was time spent with my lovely sisters of Lambda Sigma Tau or having a dance party with the roommates, I will treasure every moment of my college years. So many inside jokes, dance moves, tears, and laughs have been shared and I am truly blessed that I was lucky enough to make these memories with a lot of you who read this. That's why I want to say thanks. Thanks for making me laugh. Thanks for listening to me bitch. Thanks for understanding. Thanks for being a part of these wonderful memories- either voluntary or paid! ;-) My wish is that when you look back on our memories, you think of them and smile!

After thinking about college in general, I am forced to think about something that has basically been my entire life for the past 2 years. Yes, the dreaded nursing program. Now that I am soooo very close to being done I can shrug and say "Huh, that wasn't so bad" but in reality it really was that bad. Each time I made it through a semester of nursing school I was in a state of amazement and shock that I had made it. I didn't know how, and quite frankly, I STILL don't know how I made it. I am running dizzy and disoriented to the finish line. But I AM crossing it and that's all that matters. I have worked SO hard for this and have wanted this for SO LONG! I am utterly astonished that my dream of being a nurse has finally been reached. It seemed so distant and out of sight just 4 short years ago. I am so proud of myself for being driven enough to reach out and grab this dream by the balls. Mixed in with these feelings of accomplishment are bits of sadness. Sadness because there are certain people that are not here to see me reach the top of my mountain. I know they are proud of me but they really should be here to see me get pinned and walk across that stage in my cap and gown. I was talking to my mom the other day about these feelings and how, yeah, I think it's pretty shitty that my dad isn't here to see me and that I'm sad about it, but I realized that I was more sad that my grandpa isn't here to see me. I know he would be amazingly proud because I am the first member of the family to achieve a college degree. And then there is my great aunt Jane. She should be here too. She was so excited for me to be in the nursing program and was a fabulous support. But I realized something very valuable. If it wasn't for all these people and what they meant/still mean to me, I wouldn't be where I am today. It was these losses, mixed with other experiences that helped me to hear the calling of being a nurse and i was lucky enough to hear it. I'm also lucky because I still have amazing family members that have supported me and encouraged me throughout this journey- especially my mom. When ever I achieved an accomplishment, she was there to praise me and when ever I felt like I couldn't do it any more, she was there to pick me back up and remind me what I was fighting for. I owe her more than I can ever repay, but I can start by saying how much I love her and appreciate the support she has given and I know she will continue to support me in any endeavor <3 <3

So here we are. At the end. But is it really the end? I think it's just the beginning. Sure, one chapter of our lives is closing but, a new one is just opening. Fresh and new and ready for anything. So I would like to say: Congrats to my fellow nursing graduates 2011! We made it! We rock!!!!!! Let's fly!!

"I keep thinking that it's not goodbye. I keep on thinking it's our time to fly" ~Graduation by Vitamin C