I just want to be wonderful!

Many people have approached me today and asked when the next "installment" would be in. Well, here it is. The wait is over!!! I can already hear the applause!! ;-) I'm sure you are wondering what the topic of this entry is about and I wish I could give you a clear answer. Truth is, there are several things to be addressed here today. Regrets, loss, friends.... all of these wonderful topics or categories would fit.

I suppose this story should begin in grade school. It was there that I met the girl that I would call my best friend. We were the only two who were not.... how do I say this..... athletic. We were not on the volleyball team or basketball team or whatever team. We did everything together and laughed and laughed and laughed! We had our own inside jokes and we knew what each other was thinking with a single look. We had the best times. Now this story continues into high school. We remained the best of friends and did a lot with each other. We talked and, most importantly, laughed everyday. We would be bummed when we didn't have a class with each other but we always made plans to meet up at some point during the day. As we got older, our library of inside jokes continued to grow and grow. Before I knew it, senior year was coming to a close and I noticed things starting to change. One day, I was shunned by my group of friends that I had known since grade school. I was completely confused as to why and no one would talk to me to tell me why I was no longer a part of the friendship circle. This hurt alot. Imagine friends that you have known for over 10 years and they just turn their backs on you. Tough, right? Yeah, I know. I was there. I tried numerous times to ask my best friend why this was happening and got no response. I tried and tried and tried but it was evident that she didn't want to try. She was willing to throw away our friendship and not only was I sad, but I was angry that after all we had been through, she didn't want to try and resolve the issues. So there I was, the friends that I had grown up with had turned their backs on me. I am just so thankful for the other friends that I had made throughout high school that I was able to turn to. AND this made my friendships even deeper with them because they were able to see how hurt losing friends made me. So graduation came and went and it was time for the senior lock-in. If you didn't go to CDH and are wondering what the lock-in was - it was after the graduation ceremony and we spent the night locked in the school with fun activities. Any who. So at the lock-in I was surprised when one friend approached me. She apologized and I apologized and then we cried and hugged! I have to give her alot of credit. It took a lot of courage to do that while the others stood watching and waiting for her to come back. I know she is reading this and she knows who she is. I just want to take this opportunity to tell you that you will never know how much that meant to me- and still means a lot to me today!! I am so glad we made up and I consider you one of my best friends!! Love ya girl! Ok, so where was I.... ah yes. The lock-in. That was by far the best part of the lock-in. It also hurt to see the person who I had considered my best friend just stand there and not look at me.

From that day until now, we haven't spoken or seen each other. Now, I am not putting all the blame on her. I can't stress this enough! I admit that there were things that I did and said as well. We each did things to each other that were not right and we were BOTH in the wrong. The only difference was that I wanted to make things right. I attempted to make things right but all of those efforts were shot down.

So fast forward to the present day. How do I feel about  it now? For a while after, I was quite angry. Angry at the fact that she could just turn her back on our friendship. Angry that after all we had been through, that she couldn't talk to me about it. But that was then. This is now. Now, I am no longer angry. Rather, I am sad. I'm sad because we had such a great friendship. From time to time I still think about some of those inside jokes and laugh. to be honest, I miss it too! I have no hard feelings anymore and hope that she is doing what makes her happy. In addition, I hope she has made friends as good as the friends I have made. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason and I am so blessed to have made such wonderful friends in college. I love you guys so much! :-) Ok that's enough mushy crap for today!

As always, thanks for reading!!

P.S. I have been approached by many people today telling me how much they enjoy reading my blog and I just have to say that you guys make me feel like a celebrity!! THANKS SOO MUCH!!! :-D

Happiness isn't happiness without a violin playing goat!

I have been thinking about doing this post for a while now. After watching Notting Hill with my lovely roommate Lisa, I finally have the courage to write it. Remember the goal of my blog- HONESTY. So the topic of this entry is my love life- or lack there of.... you can decide. So for all of you reading this- guys in particular- I'm single! (I know, I know- hard to believe!! So here's your chance!).

Let me start off by saying that my dating life has resembled a string of classic 80's movies. One in particular is Sixteen Candles. Remember that one? If you aren't familiar, the main character Sam is basically forgotten by her family and guys don't even look her way. With the exception of an annoying dork. But the wonderful thing is that at the end, Sam gets the guy that she has a crush on. She gets her Jake Ryan. So I'm sure you are asking yourself "How is her life like Sixteen Candles?". Well, here goes. In high school I had my fair share of crushes on some of the guys and none ever paid attention to me. To be frank, I wasn't that confident and didn't think that any of the guys would even want to talk to me, let alone take me out on a date. So basically, I went through high school, pining away and not a word was spoken. My story has a different ending though. I didn't get my Jake Ryan.... oh well C'est la vie. But not really. I hate the regrets. I hate thinking "Well, what if I had just a little bit more confidence back then" or "What would have happened if I had just asked him out?". So there it is. My regrets. No more. I'm tired of looking back on my life saying I wish or what if. This is what this blog is helping me to do, be honest with myself and others. So later on, I might just tell you who I have "crushes" on. Not by name.... that would be horribly embarrassing for both me and the other people. I'll give you hints, large hints, and you can just guess. (P.S. I HATE the word crush. It makes me sound like a 12 year old girl. Instead I will use "interest" as in I am interested in getting to know them. Haha!). Moving on.....

So that was high school. Graduation came and went and here I am, still single. Ah, but college was just around the corner. That's where like EVERYONE meets there spouse right? Yeah, that's what I thought too. Until I remembered that I was attending an all girls college.... CRAP!! So what did I do? I joined a sorority with the hopes that I could meet a guy through a fraternity (That's not the ONLY reason I joined....hmmm... perhaps that's a topic for another entry). Yes, there were a few frat boys... emphasis on the BOY part. There was nothing of substance and nothing that would develop into a relationship. So that was it for a while. I did recently meet someone who I thought might turn into a meaningful relationship but due to poor choices on his part, that chapter has closed. So that brings us to the present day. I am single and ready to mingle! Haha! I guess you could say that my relationship statuses have been...well....dull. But I am hoping to change that. I am taking a stand and refuse to be a timid wall hugger. I am putting myself out there and if you don't want it, well then alright. I will move on and find someone who does. I have to admit that despite what I type, the thought of rejection scares the hell out of me. But then again, I have let that fear control what I do and look at where it has gotten me!

So here goes. Another hard paragraph to begin because I don't know where to start. Currently, there are two fine gentlemen that have captured my attention. I don't know if they want it but there is only one way to find out. I will put it on the table and see where it goes. If it wasn't meant to be, then at least I won't have the regrets and wonder what if.... Take a deep breath.... here goes... So the first guy mentioned above is one of the guys from high school. He was always funny and could always make me laugh. Sad thing is, I don't remember if we ever had class together. Well, it has been four years since attending high school. Any who. He doesn't know this but one day in particular I was having a horrible day and he said hi to me and said something funny. Totally turned my day around! So if you are reading this, THANKS! So I'm sure you are wondering, "well if you were so shy and what not, how did you talk to him". The answer to that, my dear Watson, lies in locker assignments. You see, we were locker neighbors so it was hard NOT to talk to him. If you need an even bigger clue, he had the locker to my immediate right. So there you go. CALL ME ;-) One confession down. And can I just say that my heart is pounding and my hands are cold. You have NO IDEA how hard it is for me to be this honest. Well that is one down. One to go. So this next confession is no surprise. In fact I am about 98.9999% sure that he knows I "fancy" him. The only thing is he hasn't heard it straight from me.... at least I don't think so. He is older than me and I have known him for.... well... a while. I don't think I need to say too much more about this one. Just that he, too, seems to make me smile when I need it the most...... and even when I don't! So if you know I am talking about you, then, SURPRISE! You can CALL ME TOO! ;-)

So that is all I have. And the only way I can end this post is by quoting a line from Notting Hill which rings quite true in this instant, "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy. Asking him to love her". Be gentle with my heart!
Thanks for reading! <3

Does this pole still work!?

I just finished dinner, am watching Ghostbusters, and thought I should write something!
So here I am. Only day two and I don't know what to write about. I guess this is part of the whole honesty thing. I don't know where to begin. There is so much I want to write about but don't know how to begin, or if people even want to read about it. I guess I'll just put it out there for people that want to know more about who I am and what makes me tick!

It's hard for me to share things about myself because I hate knowing people are judging me. Let's be real with each other- we all do it. At some point or another we have all judged someone else prematurely. We make our assumptions about people by the way they dress, their hairstyle, or by weight. Because I'm not the thinnest stick in the pile I have had my fair share of being judged. Now, this isn't some pitty party or poor me, poor me kind of post. I'm just pointing out the obvious in daily life. And lord knows that I am not guilt free in the judging department.

It's hard to see past initial assumptions sometimes, but when you do, things can surprise you! People look at me and decide that they don't need to take the time to get to know me. They figure that by the way I dress or the way I do my hair or by the way I look that I would be a waste of time. The point of my ramblings is: LOOK DEEPER! And not only is that for you, but for ME as well. I think we all need a little reminder sometimes! So I guess that's what I want to do... the point of all this... I want people to look past what is on the outside and get to know the REAL me that not very many people know. I'm sure you are asking yourself.... where is the good stuff?? When is she gonna start TELLING us what people don't know? Well the wait is over. But you don't get it all in one shot. Nope. Just a little bit for now.... until I find out if this is really what I want.... or if others are actually reading this.
If you know me at all... even just a tiny bit... you know that I like to laugh and make others laugh. But did you know that behind my smile lies a heap of pain? I've had to confront my fair share of pain and grief. What gets me through is knowing that someone out there (maybe you) has it worse than I do, have experienced something even worse than loss. The pain and grief that I am talking about is the loss of family and friends.

I used to have a big family. Every Sunday we would go to my Grandpa's for dinner. He would make a big spread and the whole family would gather and it was a nice excuse to get together. But around the age of 9 or 10, things began to change. My Grandpa was diagnosed with a late stage esophageal cancer. There was little the doctors could do and soon his health began to fail. I watched one of the most important and special people in my life go down hill and change. He was no longer the spunky, active guy that he was. When things were deteriorating fast he was able to come home because he wanted to spend the last few days at his home. I still remember the night before he died. We were at his house and getting ready to leave. I had said my goodbyes and I love you's. I went to put on my jacket and shoes and as I was walking out the door something came over me and I began to cry. Somehow, I knew that this would be my last time seeing him. The next day, after I returned home from school, I got the news that he had died. In some ways I am lucky. I was able to take that precious time with him and tell him goodbye. For that I am grateful. At the time it was horrible to see him wasting away but after experiencing a loss the complete opposite of that, I was able to appreciate that time.

The second loss that I had was the loss of my dad. To this day it is one of the hardest things for me to talk about. Even now as I type tears well up in my eyes. It has been 10 years since he died and there are times when it still feels like yesterday.... others it feels like it has been an eternity. I can still remember all the details of that day. He died on a friday night and I didn't find out until that Saturday. That friday he had picked up his motorcycle from the shop (yep- that's where I get my love of Harley's!!) and was riding it home. When he got home and was putting away the bike, he had a heart attack. The next morning was saturday and I was excited to get up. It was my weekend to spend with dad and we were going swimming! I got out of bed and noticed that my mom was on the phone in her bedroom. I went in and she hung up the phone. I was all smiles but then I saw the look on her face. I sat on her bed with her, she looked at me and said "There's something I need to tell you". At the time, another family member was ill so I thought it would be about them but the news came that it was about my dad. I'm sure they were the hardest words for my mother to say to me but eventually she was able to say them. I remember bursting into tears and not believing it. Some days I STILL don't believe it. Saying goodbye to my dad was THE hardest thing I have ever done. Like I said earlier, it's still hard for me to talk about- so feel lucky that I am sharing this with you. Now, his death was sudden. I didn't get that chance to say goodbye one last time. BUT I am lucky in a way because the last thing I ever said to him was I love you. So I have had to say goodbye slowly and also missing the chance for one last goodbye. If I had to pick, the slow way is the path I would choose. Yes, it is painful to see your family member like that but you are given the chance to say whatever you need to say.

So there you have it. Two very difficult things for me to share. And here is just a few tid-bits more... When I say I have lost a lot, I'm not kidding. If those two stories don't have you convinced then here you go. I have had to say goodbye to 7 close family members.... all with their own unique story. Stories that don't need to be shared... at this time at least...

Well, here we are. Now you know 2 stories about me that not alot of people know. Stories that have shaped alot of who I am. All I ask is that since I have been so honest with you, please repay the favor and be honest with me. Please share thoughts, feelings, or comments.
As always, thanks for reading!

Let's begin this journey....

Hello. This is the first post by me (with the hopes of writing many more). Honesty is the name of the game! I want to write about the REAL me. Sometimes I feel like not very many people know the real me so this is my chance to show you. I'd like to start off this blog with some stuff that not many people know about me.

My favorite color is pink!
I'm an only child.
I have lost more than I have gained.
My dad died when I was 11 years old.
I have always wanted to be a movie/TV star.
I love painting- I may not be good but I LOVE it!
My mom is my hero.
I think I have a mild form of OCD.
I hate crying in front of people but it seems to happen a lot.
I put on a tough exterior sometimes, but there are times that on the inside I feel like I could crumble and break into a million pieces.
I've had my heart broken.
I have laughed until I cried (those are my favorite moments).
I STRONGLY believe in the paranormal.
I wanted to be a tornado chaser when I was little.
I have been in a beauty contest....and no I didn't win... shocker huh!
I wish I was brave enough to wear the clothes that I really want to wear.
People judge me before they get to know me. Then they seemed surprised when I turn out to be pretty cool!
My favorite flower is the Carnation.
I'm shy.... not by choice...I just don't know how to act around new people.... I wish/want to be an extrovert but I care about what people think of me.
Marilyn Monroe is one of my idols and, even though it isn't true, I feel like I WAS her in a past life. I feel like I have a strong connection to her somehow.
I think my best features are my eyes, lips, and boobs ;-)
I want to go on a ghost hunt.
I have never been told I'm pretty by a boy that I like.
I am a highly emotional person but I embrace it. If something makes me sad, I cry. If I get mad, I tell you. If it's funny, I laugh.
I enjoy making people laugh! So if I make you laugh, AWESOME!

That's all I can think of for now....Like I said above, honesty is what I am going for so, people, be real with me. Please leave me comments or ANYTHING about me or what I have written. Feel free to ask questions. I will HONESTLY answer ANY question that you ask!!
Thanks for reading!!! <3