As I stepped outside, I was greeted by the brisk morning air. Leash in hand, my dog and I proceeded on our typical morning walk. But something caught my attention. Something seemed….off. Not right. Was it that it was quite a bit earlier in the morning than we normally ventured out? No, thats not it. Although, it did feel odd to be awake and out of bed before noon. It was something else. We crossed the street and pressed on. Several strides down the damp sidewalk, the realization struck me. There was an unusual calmness about the neighborhood. It was the lack of sound that was unnerving, the absence of the ordinary hustle and bustle of daily life. The dog and I, both skeptical and uneasy, decided to continue on our journey. The dog sauntered in front of me, occasionally stopping to sniff a piece of grass here, then tottered over to another patch of grass there. Searching for the perfect place to go potty was her mission. Mine was staying vigilant. Our lives depended on it.
The dog was being particularly fussy in finding a place to do her business. As she searched for the perfect place to leave her mark, I continued to survey the peculiarity of the situation. It wasn't until the dog found the perfect tree to mark, that I noticed that in addition to the absence of life being lived, there were no cars on the street. None. No cars parked in the driveways that lined the street, nor were there any driving down the streets. This raised my concern and I looked at things more critically. No cars on this street, none on the busy road just across the block, and not a breath of sound or wind. I began to wonder if this was death. Maybe I had died in the night. That would explain why I was awake at this ungodly hour. I pinched myself. Nope, that hurt. Not dead. My next thought was that perhaps everyone else was dead. And then I remembered. The Walking Dead. This is what it was like in the zombie apocalypse. Everyone else was dead. I was sure of it…. but they weren't really dead. They were out there somewhere…. searching for me. And my delicious body.
I quietly urged the dog to hurry up and poop so that we could make a dash to the safety of the house, which was now several blocks away. I realized that if I had to run, I would not make it. I'm too fat for this. If the walkers got me, I would provide a luscious all you can eat buffet. Again, the dog was being picky. I begged her to poop. She looked up at me with her big brown puppy dog eyes that seemed to say, "Fuck you, lady". I began to calmly head back to the house. All of my begging and pleading must have agreed with the dog's anus because she decided to delay our escape to safety by pooping on a nearby stretch of grass. As she squatted, she again looked up at me with those condescending eyes. I swear it was the longest time she has ever taken to poop. After what seemed like hours, she got up and gave me the "I'm ready" look. I swiftly pulled out the plastic baggy and scooped up the poop. Even in a zombie apocalypse I couldn't justify just leaving her poop. Seriously people, clean up after your dogs. I don't wanna step in a huge steaming pile of shit when I'm speed walking away from a walker.
As I got to the garage, I furiously typed in the code. I must have been distracted by the sudden noise down the street that I punched in the wrong number. What was that noise? A dog barking? Oh no! He was trying to send up a warning. They're coming. I had to get us to safety. I turned back to the key pad and frantically entered the numbers. One by one. I pressed enter and the door began to rise. The door clumsily and loudly opened. Damn it, I should have gotten that fixed! They heard me for sure. I knew there was no way they didn't hear that open. I pulled the dog into the house, closed the garage door, and finally felt a sense of safety. Something I hadn't felt since I stepped outside the door that morning. I cautiously made my way to the window, not wanting to make myself known to any walker that may be lurking. And that's when I saw it. It was my neighbor down the block. I gasped in horror when I saw the terrible, gruesome sight. Her dog had just taken a huge dump and she didn't clean it up. I stood at my window watching the gag inducing site. I couldn't look away. I stood there, watching, as she briskly walked down the street, enjoying her walk. That's when I realized the truth of the matter. It wasn't the zombie apocalypse. I had just watched too many episodes of The Walking Dead. No, people weren't dead. Just common courtesy and common sense. The most frightening truth of all. What is the cure for that? No one knows…. and that's the scariest part.
