So, you know those moments in life where reality sneaks up on you and, out of nowhere, yells "SURPRISE!" ? Yeah, well I just had one of those moments! I just got an invite for my 5 year high school reunion! All I can think is HOLY SCHNIKES!! 5 years already?!?!?!?! Where did the time go?? And that's when I got to thinking. Thinking about the person I was back in high school, the experiences I've had then and now, and the person who I am today.
Looking back, I have realized that I have grown into a different person than the high school me. You know that saying, "If I only knew then what I know now" ? That is very applicable to me, and maybe that's why I've changed. As I've gotten older, I've learned what the most important things in life really are, instead of what we think, at the time, are the important things. For every experience I've had, I have taken something away, learned, and grown from it. So let's get on with what I've learned and how I've changed.
Back in high school, I never really fit in anywhere and didn't really feel like I belonged (as most people probably do). I was in the band, but never felt like a "true band kid" or part of the band family. In total honesty, the only reason I wan in band was because it looked good on a college application. Now don't get me wrong. I liked some of the people that were in band and had friends in the band and the directors were great. It just wasn't my thing. I always felt awkward walking into the band room. I wanted to quit sooooo badly! But that's the thing I learned. Just because you may not enjoy everything all the time, doesn't mean you should stop doing it. For instance, nobody likes or enjoys brushing their teeth, but we still do it! It helped me to learn something about myself. I'm not a quitter. I didn't like it then, but I made it through, and didn't quit.
Along with the theme of not fitting in or having a sense of belonging, I guess I would have to say that I didn't really have my own sense of personal identity back then. Maybe it was the uniforms ;) Let's get real for a second. Back then, I cared A LOT about what other people thought of me. I had this vision of what high school would be and what kind of person I wanted to be. I wanted to be popular sooooooo bad. I wanted people to know my name and talk to me in the halls. I wanted guys to ask me out, ask me to homecoming, ask me to the prom. I wanted to be the girl that people really saw, not just that shy, fat girl who never talked in class. But all those things, those wants, those fantasies were just that. Useless wants, wishes, and fantasies. I didn't get any of that. Instead, I got awkward, nameless, just plain old me. A girl who could fade into the shadows and no one would ever notice. I didn't even get to go the prom. No dress. No shoes. No pampering. (Wow, I didn't realize that all these feelings would come rushing back). So let's turn this depressing tale into a positive. Thankfully, I've grown up a lot since then and have come to see how naive I was. Learning to love who I am and figure out just who I am was a long process (and a continuing one). I can't be fully certain of who i am today, but can anyone really know? All I can say is that I am more secure with myself and I don't really care what people think of me (I'm pretty sure the pictures/videos on facebook are proof of that!). I've just learned that I shouldn't live my life based on what other people think. I need to live for myself, and be and do what makes me happy. As far as I know, we only get one life and I don't want want to look back with regrets, wishing I had done more things for myself instead of trying to please others. Long story short, I am who I am and I'm not gonna change to fit YOU'RE ideal of what I should be. If you don't like me, that fine. Your loss. (One question though. If you don't like me, why are you reading my blog? For some reason you still think about me! Caught you!). I like who I am. And I have friends, so I must be doing something right! I like that I can make people laugh. I like that I can openly express my feelings and not be ashamed to cry when I'm sad. I like being able to express myself in a blog that people read. It's a way that I don't feel judged for being me, and I am supported by my readers. I don't know who all the people are that do read my blog, but I would like to say thank you to YOU personally.
Finally, looking back on these last 5 years, I can honestly say that I know what true friendship is. REAL friends are there with you through thick and thin, and don't turn their back on you when things get tough. I am so lucky to have the wonderful friends I have now. I know I say this a lot in my blogs, but it's true. The friends that I have now are the ones who have shown me what true friendship is. I've also learned that there is always a way back to your true friends. No matter how much time has passed, you can (most always) reconnect and rebuild that friendship. Over the years, I've lost touch with a bunch of people from high school. This impending reunion has made me realize how much I miss those friendhsips and how much I want to try and get those back. With that being said, I must reiterate, my favorite friend saying, "Friendship is a two-way street. When it turns into a one-way, it can't work". Effort has to be made by both people, just like in any other relationship. I guess we will see what happens as time goes on.
Things change. People change. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes for the worse. But just remember to learn, move forward, and live your life for you. Don't look back on your life with regrets. Look back and think, "Damn, that was fun!".
